Relationships and Epilepsy

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My Experience

“Five years with Epilepsy, you must of went through a lot!” You are right, but not in this department. I have had two relationships from my diagnosis till now and hopefully no more (hint hint, haha). Relationships can be hard and difficult for the average person, but what about dating someone with Epilepsy?

When I first got diagnosed with Epilepsy, it was the right before the start of a new relationship. I was struggling to accept the diagnosis at this point, hiding it from everyone I could and only telling those who had to know. So when I started dating this new fellow, I was not sure what to say or how he would even react. Well good thing for me I did not have to tell him; I actually had a tonic-clonic seizure right in front of him within a week of dating. Thankfully, he kind of knew what to do and we were at his house with a few mutual friends. I eventually came to and I still remember how pale his face was. I must have had a dazed look as I struggled to recognize the faces around me. He started pointing to our friends asking their name and then pointed to himself and I remember yelling out “some dude that I’m dating…I don’t know, I can’t remember, but I know I am dating you” (this became a running joke between us for a while). The next morning, we had a little chat about Epilepsy and my seizures. He was intrigued and concerned, but reinforced me that it was okay and he wished I told him sooner. He willingly drove me to and from work so I could keep my job, let me sleep at his house so it would be a shorter drive and I could have more sleep, and wrote me notes every day when my memory started to fail me. Now I cannot say he was always this sweet. Eventually the epilepsy became a common occurrence before it was under controlled. Side effects from the medication had put stress on our relationship as well as welcoming two children. The pregnancies actually triggered seizures as well as stopped my seizures and that was a terrifying and stressful time. We eventually went our separate ways for very good reasons. Although, one reason on my behalf involved my Epilepsy but that is a story for a different time.

Now with my second and current relationship, things were little different.  I was now a single mother with Epilepsy and in college. To me, I felt like this was already a lot of baggage to be bringing someone. I was always very open and not afraid to tell people I had children at the age of 22. I told him that right off the bat without a care. They were my world. But when it came to epilepsy I hesitated. He already took one suitcase, can he really take another? My seizures were controlled at the time and not frequent. When I went to tell him I made sure to emphasize that part and he was not fazed by it. He told me how he had family in the medical field and he actually went into telling me about his medical problems. It was actually really nice and he made me feel accepted.  It was a while into dating before I had a friendly reminder that I have Epilepsy, but it occurred in my sleep while we were apart. I dreaded telling him but I did the following day. He asked if the girls were okay and told me we would have a relaxing weekend together. A few months later I had another nocturnal, I had always had my myoclonic jerks, and then I finally had my typical tonic-clonic seizure while bathing the girls. This is when he started to really worry.  He worried with the others too and with every jerk, but the severity of the tonic-clonics and the what-ifs worried him more. This was his first experience with my typical seizures. I went on to having a nocturnal again the beginning of this year and he begged me to get a new neurologist as I was fighting to see the one I had at the time. Eventually the next tonic-clonic hit and sent me into a brick wall. That was it for me. I went right to a neurology clinic and got seen the following week.

Now this has put some stress overtime on our relationship. He was constantly worried about me as I still had driving privileges prior. He would be sure to text me and I would be sure text him that I was okay and made it to where I had to go. He would call me every night and every morning. He told me about the day I crashed my car a little later; “I didn’t hear from you that you got to your friend’s house and I started to worry, but then I told myself ‘she’s probably busy studying, she’s always alright’ and you weren’t. I still feel awful. I love you” and tears fell from both of our faces as I never truly understood he was so worried. I typically try to push Epilepsy to the back of my mind. It was not until my pediatric rotation I started to be a little more open and it was not until the accident that I truly stopped caring about judgement with coming forward. This is our reality and people needed to know.


My Boyfriend’s Perspective

You having Epilepsy did not bother me, that does not make you any different. I think the hardest part is the side effects of the medication; I noticed the difference as soon as you started them. It can be stressful. Yeah, I worry every day that something is going to happen to you or that could potentially die; but I know that can be avoided. With the medication, I do not know how to help you with your side effects. I am not sure what to do sometimes. Epilepsy itself does not make you different.


So what do I do?

Be honest – First and foremost always be honest, and tell them BEFORE a seizure happens. If they truly love you or want to be with you, they will want to be with you no matter what. If their opinion changes of you after you tell them you have epilepsy, do you really want to be with someone like that? You deserve better, much better, and there will be better out there for you. You do not need someone like that in your life.

Take the time to explain – Do not just walk up to your partner or potential partner and tell them you have Epilepsy and walk away. Sit down with them and explain to them the type of seizures, the frequency, what they should do for you, and what the medication you take is and potential side effects from them. This will help alleviate their stress and give you a peace of mind. Also, if you ever had a seizure in front of them they would be well prepared in knowing what to do and this could help give them a sense of confidence about your condition. I know it may sound overwhelming but honestly if they are a good person and are right for you, they would listen because they care.

Do not settle – I did not quite mention this but there was a point in my first relationship where I settled. I literally said to myself “who else would want me, I have Epilepsy.” I had a hard time accepting the diagnosis myself and did not have very good experiences with telling others. I felt like no one would ever accept me, so how could they possibly attempt to love me. But trust me, they will, someone will – I promise.

Take care of yourself – Sometimes we do need help, other times we do not. But knowing a seizure could happen without warning can be a stressor for both of you. Be sure to take care of yourself first! Take your medication, avoid triggers when possible, go to your regular appointments, and be on top of your care. This will allow your partner to relax and let you relax too knowing you are doing your very best to prevent a seizure from occurring.

Do not let Epilepsy stop you – Do not feel like you are any less deserving of dating or a good relationship just because you have Epilepsy. You can still go out, you can still enjoy yourself, and you can still enjoy the company of others. You are just the same as everyone else – you are beautiful, you are deserving, and you are amazing.


But wait, when do I tell them?

There is no set time limit on when to tell someone and this varies depending on yourself and when YOU feel comfortable. For me, the first time I was in denial – I probably would have waited a long while before telling him if my Epilepsy did not beat me to it. For my second relationship, I figured I might as well lay it all out on the table. At this point I learned if someone could not accept me for all of me, then I deserved better. I told him in the very beginning – perhaps even at our first date – that I had Epilepsy.

Remember, it is entirely YOUR choice when you tell someone. It is not an easy topic for some to talk about but do keep in mind it also may affect your partner the longer you wait. Just know that no matter what, they will still care for you and love you. They will also be mindful of your feeling about the topic. And if they do not, then take the advice a friend once gave me from a picture she had found:

“Some people will only love you as long as you fit in their box. Don’t be afraid to shove that box up their —”

(well, you get the idea)

Working with Epilepsy

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Barriers

As much as I would like to say discrimination does not exist; it does. It is part of human nature to analyze and judge effectively, but it is not part of human nature to ignorance as a form of judgement.

Epilepsy can be scary. It is scares employers, teachers, friends, family, coworkers, and those who bare the diagnosis themselves. It is the unknown of when the next seizure will strike or the unknown of what the root cause is. It is the unknown of how the future will forever be impacted.

There are discrimination laws put into place by the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) and Epilepsy does fall under the protection of the ADA; but some places can find loopholes. When they find these loopholes they do not bother to ever ask the person “how does this effect you? How does this effect your work?” They start making assumptions, then base decisions upon these assumptions. My main goal today is to help those who may be new to epilepsy or do not know where they stand under the ADA when it comes to employment.


The Interview

Working with Epilepsy can be a challenge. First question that tends to pop into one’s mind is “am I allowed to work? Should I work?” While we would love to answer that question for ourselves, we do still need to seek an expert opinion. Talk to your neurologist and see if you are cleared for work first and foremost. As much as we love to be independent and make our own choices, we need to make sure we are safe and we are able to keep others around us safe. Also, this documentation that you are cleared for work protects you – an employer cannot use the excuse “well I do not think you are fit to work” based on you having seizures when your specialist says otherwise.

Next question most people have is “when do I tell them?” This can get tricky but if you understand your rights under the ADA, it gets a little easier. When you are applying for a job, an employer “may not ask questions about the applicant’s medical condition or require to have a medical examination before it makes a conditional job offer.” What does this mean exactly? They cannot ask you about epilepsy, if you have seizures, frequency seizures, or if you are on prescription drugs during the interview process. They CAN ask you if you have driver’s license or if you can operate machinery and that portion you must answer truthfully. As for anything else, the employer at that point would be crossing boundaries with the ADA. Before accepting a job offer, you still do not have to disclose the fact that you have Epilepsy or a seizure disorder. ADA does not require those with disabilities to voluntarily disclose their disability UNLESS they will need reasonable accommodations during the interview.  Also, an employer cannot ask questions about your Epilepsy if you have voluntarily disclosed it. They cannot as about treatment either, but the employer CAN ask if you need an accommodation.


After the Job Offer

“What if I start working and realize it is too much and did not request accommodations?” You may request reasonable accommodation after becoming an employee as long as they are made aware of your condition. Now once you have accepted the job offer, they may ask you questions about your Epilepsy,  but since you now have the job, if any repercussions occur it will fall under discrimination. Although, it will not be considered discrimination if you cannot perform the job you were hired to do due to you condition or pose as a direct threat to health or safety of self or others that cannot be reduced or eliminated through accommodations. Employers may not disclose anything about your medical condition or accommodations to other employees either, as this is a breach of confidentiality.

“What exactly are reasonable accommodations?” Some accommodations listed may include: adjustments to work schedules, extra breaks, checklist to assist in remembering tasks, permission to brings a service animal to work, place to rest after a seizure, reassignment to a vacant position if the employee can no longer perform the original job, and so on. Do know than an employer may request a documentation stating that the employee has epilepsy and that accommodations need to be made. Also note that an employer does not have to provide these accommodations if doing so will cause hardship to the company (difficult to do or expensive). Now things here can become grey and it is a fine line to walk upon. If the employer decides it cannot meet the accommodation, they may choose an easier or less costly accommodation as long as the employee needs are met.


My Experience

I have not let Epilepsy stop me from working as my Epilepsy is also not severe enough to keep me out of work. Everyone will have a different experience with Epilepsy and the workplace due to severity, frequency, and type of seizures – but we all still consider the same questions of when to tell. For me personally, I do not require accommodations for work. Do I qualify? Yes. But I do not feel my job is impaired by my condition. Due to this, I decided to withhold the fact I have Epilepsy upon the interview and pre-empolyment process. Once I was officially offered the job and had agreed to take the job, I told health services when I went for my health screening. They asked if I needed accommodations, I said no and I have not heard anything about it since. They were really nice about everything and appreciated the fact that I told them. Since it is on my file, in the event that I ever needed accommodations, I would be able to have them. Ironically enough where I go for my neurologist and where I work is in the same place and under the same company. So if anything was to ever happen, everything possibly needed is already there.

A rule of thumb that I use is if they do not ask, they do not need to know unless it is putting someone else or myself in direct harm. I always tell employers after accepting an offer due to the event if, by chance, I had a seizure at work, they would not panic (this has not happened yet thankfully). I have been dealing with this condition for 5 years so I have a good handle on how this will effect me and my neurologist also has confidence in my knowledge of my condition.

It can be scary to tell you employer, as not everyone will be kind. Telling coworkers is another issue. I have told coworkers in the past and have gotten ridiculed over it so it takes me a while before I find someone I can tell. It is good to have at least one person who knows that works with you, if not then wear a medical ID bracelet/necklace as a precautionary measure. Although, have confidence in knowing you ARE protected and do not be afraid to fight for your rights. You define Epilepsy.


All information was gathered from the following sites, also feel free to visit them to learn more

←For those in the U.K. seeking information→

You may also call the Epilepsy Foundation’s Toll-free Helpline and ask any questions at:

1-800-332-1000
(en Español 1-866-748-8008)

Calls are answered 24 hours a day, 7 days a week.

We are your 1 in 26

“But you don’t look like you have Epilepsy”

     I have heard this line more times than I would like. I cannot help but wonder, what does Epilepsy look like? What do people think we are supposed to look like? Do our faces or our bodies look different? If I showed you some faces, could you pick out who has seizures and who does not?

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     We are your 1 in 26 (U.S.) and we are your 1 in 103 (U.K) who have developed Epilepsy. Were you able to see the difference between yourself and us? Were you able to see similarities if you too have Epilepsy? Truth is, we are not different. Epilepsy does not have a target. Any one, at any age, of any background can develop Epilepsy. Epilepsy is not rare, we cane found anywhere. 65 million people around the world have epilepsy yet there is no definitive cure. There are ways to sustain ourselves and hope that one day it will go away – while for some people, they are able to overcome and become seizure free, others are not so lucky.

       We live our days normally as everyone else. Some of us have families, work, go to school, and volunteer. We have hobbies too. We are people, just like you. We have feelings, just like you. But we face judgement, we face discrimination, we face the looks and the gasps. According to Science Daily; people with Epilepsy are more at risk for facing discrimination than those with other chronic health conditions (https://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2016/09/160919103618.htm). But we keep going. We keep living our life, but more cautiously. Sometimes we may ask ourselves “why me” but at the end of the day, if it was not for Epilepsy, we would not be the people we are today. It may be part of us, but it is not us.


This is our reality.

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      These pictures range from just hours to a couple of days after the top images. Think about 26 people you know; within hours their life can change. It may come without warning, without cause. We live with uncertainty and worry. This is the reality of living with Epilepsy.

      What else is part of our reality is SUDEP (Sudden Unexpected Death in Epilepsy). Those who are at risk according to the Center of Disease Control (CDC) are those with generalized tonic-clonic/grand mal seizures and those with uncontrolled seizures. Granted the chances are slim in controlled Epilepsy – 1 in 1,000. But for those with uncontrolled activity, the rate is 1 in 150 per year (http://www.epilepsy.com/learn/impact/mortality/sudep). SUDEP does not include deaths due to injuries from Epilepsy – just Epilepsy itself. Some of us wonder what if we become that ONE person? What if our friend or someone in our family becomes that ONE person? It is something that is in the back of most of our minds.


Even as time goes on, not everything fades

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       These photos range from 2.5 weeks to a month after a seizure that resulted in a hospitalization. We bare our marks and we do our best to bare them proudly. Some of us bare marks you cannot see – mental health issues are closely related to those with Epilepsy. With every person who questions “what happened” comes a story about our journey and the journey of others like us. If we can make one person understand Epilepsy and its severity, then we can make the world learn in time. Awareness is key and education is the door we need to get through in order to end discrimination and find a cure.


For more information and statistics/facts about epilepsy visit:

I want to give a huge thanks for everyone who as brave enough to share their pictures; click on the images below to visit some of their blogs and learn more about their journey

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Keppra Toxicity

Accidental Overdosing.

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                If only we lived in a perfect world without mistakes or errors. If only people took the time to listen or reevaluate their decisions. But this is not the world we live in and none of us are without error. What is important is learning from past mistakes and educating yourself about warning signs and how to prevent them if possible.

                When I first got diagnosed with Epilepsy in 2011 at the age of 19 I had already had about 3-4 tonic-clonic seizures within a month. Some I told people about, some I suffered in silence wishing they would go away. There might of even been more but you see, this is when my overdose happened. Part of my life is nothing but bits and pieces. Part of my life I struggle to recall and perhaps also one of the most important parts because this is how it all began. As years went on, more seizures occurred, and side effects from medication began taking their toll, it became even hard to recall the event that occurred that year.  Excuse me if numbers and figures are not exact relating to dosages.


My Story

I had started a new job that I loved, got into a new relationship, connected with old friends, looking into starting college – things were going good; aside from being recently diagnosed with Epilepsy. For me, that was the elephant in the room. I should have been happy with myself and with life, but truthfully I was not. I was started on Keppra after my first seizure or two at a low dose of 500mg twice a day – this is usually the standard starting dose. I listened to the lecture of how I should not drink, reconsider pregnancy, and be careful in my everyday life. I should not drive, I should take breaks when needed, and I should go easy on myself. Most importantly I should NEVER miss a dose. And I never did…perhaps that was the problem.

I obeyed my neurologist word for word. Avoided grapefruit and cough syrup. Took my medication on time, but that did not always stop the seizures. Every two weeks I went back and he increased my dose. Higher and higher it went. I do not remember what my last dose was from that time period but I remember it being a pill and a half in the morning and a pill and a half at night. At this point something did not feel right. My seizures were sort of under control, but something else was going on.

My job became a chore that I dreaded. I could no longer remember how to make drinks or where things were in the café – mind you I have been here for a little while now. My coworkers did not want to work with me because I took “too long” and they felt like I was a responsibility. They started calling me the “seizure girl” and notice I had a little tremor. Eventually my name became nonexistent, I became “seizure girl.” I would forget constantly when I had to go in or what time my shift started. My manger became curious what was going on and I would simply reply “I do not know, but don’t worry, I’m fine.”

Being awake became a task. I was always so tired and wanted to nap. It was hard to learn new things – probably due to the memory lapses and generally feeling “slow” – and I began giving up on going to college. How was I going to manage school when I could not manage my life? Remembering the previous day started to become a task. Have you ever saw 50 First Dates? That was basically my life. My boyfriend would have to leave me notes or else I would not remember he had left for work. He would leave me notes of what we did or talked about the night before. He would leave me notes about my work schedule. Slowly I began not to remember conversations or places I have been and it began to scare me.

What was going on? Was I dying? Did I have a brain tumor? I became frustrated and lashing out at people. I did not want to leave the house or go out in public. Coworkers began to tease me more as it got worse and I would try my best to hold it in. Simply being alive felt like a chore. I was fed up with having to do daily task such as shower or eat. I had no will to function. I had no will to try and socialize. Eventually everyone started to notice. I became a zombie. My memory was nonexistent. I could not recall names at times or words I wanted to say. I barely remembered to take my pills. One day I decided to look up the side effects in detail:

“Max recommended dose: 3000mg/day. Side effects: SUICIDAL THOUGHTS, aggression, agitation, anxiety, apathy, depersonalization, depression, dizziness, hostility, irritability, personality disorder, weakness, drowsiness, dyskinesia, fatigue, coordination difficulties, STEVEN-JOHNSON SYNDROME, TOXIC EPIDERMAL NECROLYSIS” (Davis’s Drug Guide – side note: I capitalized life-threatening side effects)

Alright. So the lack of desire for daily functions and constant sleep made sense, but what about my memory? What about this tremor? What about not being able to find the words I want to use? I am 19 year old, I should not be like this. I was an honor student. I was in advance placement classes. What was wrong with me? I started getting anxious and paranoid at work. I did not want to be there. I no longer cared about work or being in a relationship. I did not care about going back to school. I honestly did not care what happened to me. Then one day I woke up – suddenly I cared. Frantically, I called my neurologist and demanded a blood test – they asked me if I had any recent seizures and they said “your dose is fine then, it is the side effects.” Paranoid still, I moved onto the next in line, my primary care physician and he gladly agreed to do a blood test to check my levels.

For the next few days I anxiously awaited that phone call. Was this me or the medication? Am I just crazy? Is all of this a dream? I was constantly checking, just waiting for the call…then finally it came. The conversation went something like this:

                “Is this __________”

                “Yes..”

                “We have some news for you, you blood draws came back”

                “…yeah..”

                “Cut your dose in half immediately, your Keppra levels are too high. Something is not right and we will notify your neurologist right away. Please do not continue your prescribed dose and make an appointment as soon as possible. If things worsen, come in right away, this is atypical.”

                “..huh….”

                For a minute my world was spinning…what just happened? I was not understanding. What do you mean my levels were too high, my neurologist knows best…so I thought. “It is basically an overdose – it has not made its way to your respiratory functioning yet but if you keep take your prescribed dose it could progress.” All I remember is replying with “oh.” I did not know how to feel. So what do I do? Cut my dose and endure seizures repeatedly? Do I deal with this until I can speak to my specialist and hope I do not end up in the hospital? Now what.

At that point it was too late to cut my dose I already took my pm pill and then next day I still took my usual dose…what did that nurse know? She was not a specialist. So what if something happened, I am sure the hospital could fix it…right? Or maybe this medication was doing everyone a favor. Maybe I should keep this dose. I felt like I was a burden to everyone around me. Maybe this was my fate. Something changed the next day and I immediately called my neurologist, but things were different.. this I do recall:

                “Can I speak to Dr._____”

                “Sure what is your name? Hold on.”  (few minutes had pass) “Hello? Actually…on second thought he does not want to take the call at the moment but you can speak to me. He knows this is about your levels.”

                “..Okay…so what do I do?

                “What do you mean?”

                “What do I do? Should I lower my dose?”

                “I cannot tell you what to do, I am not your prescriber.”

                “Can I talk to my prescriber”

                “He does not want to take your call today.”

                After this game of back and forth and her telling me she cannot help I hung up. So NOW what? I closed my eyes and swallowed my next prescribed dose and called the office again. Same nurse answered I presume. She had the same story. I tried to book an appointment but he was “too busy.” I then purposely left voicemails for appointments and callbacks – nothing. They wiped their hands clean of me. So really, now what? What was I supposed to do? I sat down and thought about it…is this really my fate? Should I listen to my primary care physician? What do I do? I sat down and planned out how to wean myself. Against medical advice, I weaned myself off of Keppra. I also had to look for a new neurologist. And luckily, it did not end worse.


About Keppra Toxicity

Now I can only speak from personal experience and I can tell you what websites say.  Symptoms according to websites include: extreme drowsiness, agitation, aggression, unconsciousness, difficulty breathing, shallow breathing, and coma. I did not have an extreme case nor did it last long enough to get worse. Symptoms from other people include: mobility changes, stuttering, changes in speech, changes in memory, and increasing difficulty with processing information. I was never told how high exactly my blood levels were but it was enough to affect me. I was a small girl at the time, 5’1 and barely 100lbs. Dosages are different for everyone as well as how the medication may affect them. My side effects that told me something was off: severe memory problems and trouble communicating. I cannot definitely say the tremor or issues with learning was completely related to the high Keppra dose. My mood definitely got worse but I cannot say for sure again if that was toxicity or because everything happening at once. I also developed a little bit of a rash as well as the dose increased. It is hard with antiepileptic drugs (AEDs) because a lot of what are usually toxicity signs for other medications are what AEDs usually cause. If you EVER feel like something does not feel right or something is off, do NOT hesitate to phone your neurologist or primary care physician. If they do not listen to your request, do not hesitate to ask for a second opinion or go elsewhere. Always advocate for yourself if something does not feel appropriate.


Do you have any experience with Keppra Toxicity? Leave your story below!

Epilepsy Med-Pack

       Always be prepared

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I was greatly inspired by my good friend Tori on making an Epilepsy Toolkit. After my recent accident and knowing that if it was not for a firefighter being involved; there is no promise I would have been as well off as I was. Then I started thinking some more – what if I am able to drive again and get into an accident while having a seizure? What if I saw someone else having a seizure (this has happened before)? I decided to take the next step.

This is my Med-pack; essentially a first aid kit tailored to your liking. I found these nifty little bags at a local Rite Aid and they had coupons inside for things that one might buy. Here is the run down on my version of the Epilepsy Toolkit.


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  • Note book and pen – that might be silly as someone having a seizure may or may not be able to communicate. But timing a seizure is very important! When an emergency situation occurs, it may be hard to remember dates and times while tending to someone so take a second and write it down! This is very beneficial for the person you are helping, their medical provider, and for you! Remember: After 5 minutes call an ambulance – or if there is no medical alert ID can be found.
  • Alcohol wipes and gloves (latex free preferably) – For me personally, I have tonic-clonic seizures that come without warning. So yes, I will fall and usually there is blood. If someone else was bleeding I would also wanted gloves and something to clean their wound with. If you are making your own first-aid kit or med-pack be sure to use latex free gloves. You never know who will be helping YOU in an emergency and you do not want two emergencies going on at once
  • Bandages of all sizes – Some people with epilepsy will hurt themselves and bandages can become quite useful!
  • Butterfly closures – okay, so some of you might be like “what in the world is that” (see picture below). It helps hold skin in pace for small wounds that might need more than a bandage. If you think someone might need stitches, slap a butterfly closure on them until help arrives

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  • Gauze pads of various sizes – This is mostly because of my car accident and seeing the mass amounts of blood everywhere. If someone is bleeding a lot, these will be more beneficial to you. If you needed to set yourself up a little field to lay things out, hey gauze pads work for that too. Also, if someone is puking and you want to give them a little bib, gauze pads can help
  • Paper tape – I say paper tape over cloth tape because it is easier on the skin and less chance of a reaction to occur. If you need to tape gauzes to someone or something is not sticking well, use the paper tape
  • Tissues – Some of us may foam at the mouth, drool, or vomit so it is helpful to have these laying around.
  • Scissors – not every day kitchen shears but something you would see in the medical field. If someone is seizing and the clothing around them is too tight – use scissors!
  • Antibiotic Ointment – for those wound that bandages would fix up. The more you can help clean out wounds the better to decrease the risk of infection.
  • Hair tie – if someone seriously injured their face or part of their head you would want to get hair out of there or if the person is vomiting.
  • Survival Wrap – okay, this coming in handy probably sounds very slim as a wrap but it is meant to help prevent heat loss. Well, if you are waiting for an ambulance in the winter this actually could be very helpful. But it is also super reflective and could be used to warn oncoming traffic or grab attention. This can also be used as shade and prevent over exposure to the sun. I just had this in my house and hey, you never know

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     I got lucky and my medical ID came with its own little pouch. It has the medical alert symbol on it and in there I placed an index card with my full name, date of birth, emergency contact(s), diagnosis, type(s) of seizures, list of medications, name of my neurologist, types of insurance I have, when to call an ambulance, where my med-pack is located and a brief run through of epilepsy first aid. I always have my insurance cards on me as well as a picture ID so I do not worry about placing them in there. I also listed my children’s names on the card in case they were ever with me. I carry this pouch everywhere with me and I will bring the med-pack if I am traveling.

This might seem a little over the top (did I mention I am a nurse in training?) but after my experiences with Epilepsy I would rather be over than under prepared. Also, this can be used for just about any situation and it is always just a good idea to have something similar with you in your car or on your travels. I hope this was able to help some of you out and maybe have some of you start your own med-pack.


Did I forget anything?

Feel free to leave a comment below on what you think should be included. Also, check out Victoria’s Epilepsy Toolkit here and see what she has: https://chroniclesofkeppra.wordpress.com/2016/09/11/the-epilepsy-toolkit/

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Dealing with the Diagnosis

“You have Epilepsy.”

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This can be pretty devastating to some people. Most people do not understand the weight of the words unless they have been directly impacted. For me personally, I will never forget that day. The same epilepsy I watched my brothers go through for years, just in a different form.  My first neurologist told me I should rethink having children in case Keppra did not work and because of the type of seizures I have. He told me since I could not figure out my triggers and neither could they that I would have to be careful in everyday life. This also added to his rant about having children because the stress of labor could cause me to have a seizure and there is a potential of me losing my life. He also told me my chances of getting pregnant would be harder – but this was back when not much was available on Keppra.

I was devastated when I got this diagnosis. I knew things would change. My friendships changed, the relationship I was in at the time changed, how coworkers treated me changed…everything changed. Some for better and some for worse. I denied the diagnosis for a while thinking it was a mistake. When the seizures did not stop and the dose kept increasing I learned to accept it. This was my new reality. I hoped every night I would grow out of it, but that was not the case. The neurologist said I would be on medication for the rest of my life and so did the second.

I cannot tell you how to cope, we all cope with things differently. But I can tell you this, it gets better. The hardest time is always the initial moment of the diagnosis and trying to find the right mix of medication to slow the seizure activity. I went through a medicated coma and a Keppra overdose before my tonic-clonic seizures were under control. I was having myoclonic jerks every day since high school and only now am I just finally having that be taken seriously as they are probably seizures – thank you to my third and hopefully final neurologist. But things it did get better.  I might have to do things a little slower or take more time out to accomplish a task, but I can do them – and so can you.


Do not be afraid to reach out and ask for help. This was something that took me years to learn but better late than never. You will meet people who are fighting the same battle or who are farther along on their journey and these people can truly help you out. Do not be afraid to ask family and friends to help you because most of them will. I will not tell you it did not feel degrading at times or like you are losing your independence, but you will gain it right back. You just need some tender love and care and some time to focus on you. And that is okay.

Never compare your journey. Some people may have seizures more frequently than others and some may not. Some seizures come in different forms but they are still all part of epilepsy. Everyone has their own battles and each battle makes you stronger. Do not forget that epilepsy is more than just seizures. Epilepsy is the side effects from medication, constant doctor appointments, EEGs, missed arrangements, everyday stigma and so on. We are all in this together. Never feel like because you do not have it “as bad”, that you do not truly experience epilepsy. You do, just in your own way, in your own form, and you are brave for that.

It is okay to not feel okay. We go through emotions. We deal with setbacks. Sometimes our medication goes up and it feels like we are moving backwards. We have a seizure for the first time in years and it feels like you are back at square one. It is okay to feel that way. There are people here for you that will help you get through that. Your medication went up? That means you are a step closer to having your seizures more controlled. You went a year without a seizure, then had one? That means something is working and maybe you can identify a new trigger from it. Try to look at your positives, but take the time to feel upset. This is part of your journey and no matter what you will keep moving forward.

Advocate. Whether it is for yourself towards a doctor or treatment plan, starting a blog/vlog, going to events; do not be afraid to speak up and never be afraid to advocate yourself. Remember: you are your own best advocate. Everybody has a story, an experience, and every one deserves to be heard. This may help someone who is new or someone who is in the same situation as you. This could mean the difference of getting proper or improper care. This could mean helping in research and education This can be scary and this can take time to get into, but this is something to think about. Nobody will ever know epilepsy and seizure disorders better than you. Be heard; you deserve to.


Always remember:

 You are not your illness; you are not epilepsy. You are you. Epilepsy is just a small part of who you are and what makes you, you.


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You do not own me

Dear Epilepsy,

I hope you are happy; for once more you got in the way of my hopes, dreams, and plans. I planned on graduating in May 2016 with my nursing degree and moving forward with my peers. I planned on trying to get into a pediatrics position while specializing in neurology or oncology. I planned on moving in with my boyfriend and having a proper home for my girls and finally having our family together. But life does not always go as planned.

I now sit at home during what would be my class time. I see posts of people in their scrubs, talking about exams, and anticipating graduation. I sit here alone, while my children are at school, truthfully envious but proud. You all worked so hard to get here and you all deserve the best. But I cannot help but wonder what I did to deserve such a delay. To deserve watching everyone move on without me. Where did I go wrong? Am I not allowed to have dreams?

Epilepsy, you do not own me, but you unfortunately may still have some control. You have stunted my growth in my studies and in my experiences, but you have not stopped me. Epilepsy, I will prevail you and I will succeed. I do not care if you slow my memory down or if I have to read that book three times, I will read it three times more to prove you wrong. I do not care if I have to make extra time to study or ask ridiculous questions – I will ask them proudly and show you I can still do this. My teachers may question my sanity, but in reality they are questioning you. “Will Epilepsy stop her?”

Epilepsy,  you do not own me. I will not let you control my life. I will admit that you have dictated three and a half years and it was not until I saw other patients with Epilepsy suffer the way that I did. They were scared, fearful – their parents were the same. You stopped me from performing, going for jobs, and properly performing tasks. You dictated my relationships, my self-worth, and future plans. You embarrassed me and made me lie. But no longer will you do so. No longer will I hide behind your name. Epilepsy you do not own me.

And for this delay, I will show you no mercy. I will exploit your name and tell everyone about your cruel ways. I will tell them how unforgiving you can be. But you know, you are not all that bad either. You have found me real friends and helped me chose a career path. You helped me find strength within myself. You taught me that asking for help does not make you weak, but makes you strong. You taught me how to be bold and brave and take each day as it comes. You taught me to never take life for granted and live in the moment. Epilepsy you do not own me, but you are part of me. Part of me that I cannot change – but a part of me that makes me who I am.

Thank you Epilepsy.


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“It’s okay mommy..”

An Open Letter to my Daughters

Dear Daughters,

As you grow and get older every day, you make mommy more and more proud to be your mother. I am grateful to have two perfect little girls enter my life. I am sorry mommy cannot be around as much as she likes between school and work; trying to make the best life that I can for you both. But one day, I know you will understand.

What you may not understand is that mommy has a little battle. I know you know how to say the words “seizure” and “epilepsy.” To my three year old, you call it “accidents” and mommy appreciates every time you try to help mommy avoid “accidents” by moving chairs and sleeping by my bedside. To my two year old, you just picked up on calling them “accidents” and you always ask me if I had took my medication. You both ask me to show you each one as you call them “beans” and try to pronounce the name back to me and realize that this helps mommy. I appreciate both of your kisses on my scars from these “accidents” every morning before school and telling me “it’s okay mommy if you have accidents, I love you.”

I know I was “yucky” when I came home but that never stopped either of you from your hugs, kisses, and cuddles. Mommy is sorry she was sleepy and sore and could not be there for you as much for that first week but as you both tell me “it’s okay mommy, you have accidents, I love you.”

When you were younger, mommy had accidents too that scared her. I did not know how to go about telling you when you got older. I was afraid of how you would react to my “yucky” face and having to wait until mommy took all of her “beans.” I was terrified of the day you would witness one. When you were younger you witnessed mommy’s “accident” but you will probably not remember. You thought mommy had fallen asleep until Grammy and Grampy came in. Every day I thank whoever is watching out over me, over us, that you both were okay. Just like how I am thankful you were not in my car when I had another “accident.”

I am sorry you get worried for mommy at the ages of two and three. I never wanted you to be afraid or wonder when or if I will come home. I know going back to preschool was hard for you but you got better and stronger every day. Mommy wanted to reassure you and every day, despite the pain, I came to get you so you would know I was okay. It broke my heart the day you said “Mommy, I don’t want to lose you again,” as much I would love to reassure you that ‘you never will’ that is not always the case. But I will do everything I can so that  you will never lose me. For you both are my heart and soul; there is not a thing I would not do. And I will never forget the words you say to me every day so I can stay strong:

 

“It’s okay mommy if you have accidents, I still love you.”

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This was incredibly hard to write, but this is my reality and now their reality too

Help!

Do not be afraid to ask for help

Help – a simple four letter word that can grab the attention of almost everyone, yet so many of us are afraid to use it. For myself, I am one of those people. When you get first diagnosed with a condition, in my case Epilepsy, you notice people will start to treat you differently and act different around you. You are more carefully watched and more restricted. While we know it is in good faith, we miss our independence and being our own person. For myself, this made me resent the word “help.” Granted, I did and, to a point, still do need it. For me personally, has been very hard for me to accept. But I did. I asked and I do not regret it.


What type of help is available?

There are many sources of help for people with neurological issues. There are government funded programs, programs by state and country, support groups, help lines, help at school, aid if your condition does not allow you to work, counselors, and so on. Follow the link below to a little directory I made where you can find resources in your area for Epilepsy.


What type of help did you need?

While it may be debatable if I should be working at this current moment according to some people and questionable that I should even be in school this semester. I am in school and I will be going back to work this week – all cleared by my neurologist. Some people will look at me and ask me why I would need help if I am functioning as normal. While yes, I am functioning normally in one sense – my brain is still not up to par. Reading takes a long time, comprehending things becomes time consuming, and information recall/memory recall is still a struggle. Now, what if I am taking a test that is timed (which all of my exams and test are) and I do not finish because my brain is in slow-motion due to medication I HAVE to take in order to prevent seizures from occurring? Is it fair to penalize someone over that – especially when it is not their fault? Of course not! This is the type of help I need. It is still considered help and is still something I had to come to terms with. I did not want to feel different or feel like I cannot handle my workload but the truth is; it is simply not my fault. Neither is it yours. And only now, have I came to terms with this. I have been battling this feeling since 2011 and there is not a thing wrong with asking for help.


What if I need help in school?

Do you think your condition or medication is effecting you and your ability to learn? A good place to start is talking to your primary care physician or specialist. They will need to write you a note with the following information: a statement of condition or diagnosis from a licensed professional, description of how the condition was diagnosed and how it may/typically progresses, some places may require a description of the diagnostic criteria and what tests were done in order to diagnose you, information on how the condition limits your functioning by severity and frequency, your current treatment plan, and the recommendations for reasonable accommodations and an explanation of the need for specific accommodations. This letter will then go to your disability office and they will tell you what resources are available. Note that this is not just for people with Epilepsy, but anyone who may need a reasonable accommodation.


Wait, what is a reasonable accommodation?

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Reasonable accommodations fall under the Americans with Disabilities Act (ADA) and protects those with disabilities against discrimination whether it is in school or in the work place. A reasonable accommodation is “any changes in the work environment (or in the way things are usually done) to help a person with a disability” (https://www.eeoc.gov/laws/types/disability.cfm). It may be requested orally or in writing at any given time (tip: Schools really appreciate this at the beginning of the semester as soon as possible so they can make the accommodations. Sometimes this cannot be helped). Although, there is a loophole for employers; they can deny the accommodation if “doing so would cause significant difficulty or expense to the employer.” This goes by the size of the company and their finances.

A reasonable accommodation may be wheelchair access, extra time on exams, color-coded filing system, flexible work schedule, telecommunication devices, bigger fonts, and so on. It never hurts to ask an employer or school if they can make accommodations so you can perform to your true potential. If you have further questions about if you qualify or want more information on the topic, check out the following links:

←For those from the UK→


Even if you do not need these services now, you never know what the future will hold. It is always good to be informed in case you or a loved one needs an advocate. No one can speak better for you than yourself. But do not worry, there is help along the way

One wish

“What is one thing you wish people could understand about your epilepsy?”

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One thing I wish people could understand is that the medication can be just as bad as having epilepsy. Antiepileptic Drugs (AEDs) help reduce the probability of a seizure occurring by reducing and alternating the excessive electrical activity (or degree of excitability) of neurons. Note that different AEDs work in different ways and have  different effects on the brain. Some AEDs may affect how neurotransmitters send messages or how fast the connection is. The medication I am on currently, as many of you may know, is levetiracetam/Keppra. The best part about Keppra is that they have NO idea how exactly this medication works on the brain – but it does not behave like a typical AED. All they know is that it forces brain cells to fire more slowly to prevent a seizure from occurring. Keppra is still, in comparison, fairly new and still needs more research.

Since my AED slows the brain down completely, I feel this is why my memory and comprehension is so greatly affected. It takes me a while now to understand things and this becomes extremely frustrating. I have trouble recalling things which can become embarrassing. I also have issues with getting words I want to say from my brain to my mouth – granted I did have two (well, three I suppose) events to the head that were considered traumatic and this could be why – I still feel that Keppra may be more to blame. I also wish people would understand that the brain fog we feel is real and comes along with AEDs and Epilepsy.


What is Brain Fog?

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       Brain Fog is not a medically used term, but does sum up what most of us feel from time to time or on an everyday basis. Symptoms usually include: irritability, low energy or fatigue, trouble concentrating, forgetfulness, memory problems, anxiety, confusion, low motivation, mild depression, and trouble sleeping at night. I can definitely vouch and say I feel this way daily but not everyone will. AEDs effect everyone differently but it is good to research and know what to expect. Is it manageable? Yes, for some people. You just need to give yourself time and make proper accommodations. But if you feel that this is unmanageable, talk to your doctor. There may be an underlying cause or a better solution.


Stop and Think

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       Before you start bantering at someone who is taking longer than normal to speak, write, or do a task. Stop and think. Do you see a medical alert bracelet? Do you know this person personally? Haven you had a conversation with them? They might be someone with epilepsy or they might be someone with an illness or disorder that cause similar symptoms to the ones listed above. Please remember to be patient with people; for we all have our own journeys and battles that go unnoticed.

 


More Information

For more information or information on your specific medication, check out:

Feel free to leave comments on your experiences or about how AEDs effected people you know, love, or care for