You do not own me

Dear Epilepsy,

I hope you are happy; for once more you got in the way of my hopes, dreams, and plans. I planned on graduating in May 2016 with my nursing degree and moving forward with my peers. I planned on trying to get into a pediatrics position while specializing in neurology or oncology. I planned on moving in with my boyfriend and having a proper home for my girls and finally having our family together. But life does not always go as planned.

I now sit at home during what would be my class time. I see posts of people in their scrubs, talking about exams, and anticipating graduation. I sit here alone, while my children are at school, truthfully envious but proud. You all worked so hard to get here and you all deserve the best. But I cannot help but wonder what I did to deserve such a delay. To deserve watching everyone move on without me. Where did I go wrong? Am I not allowed to have dreams?

Epilepsy, you do not own me, but you unfortunately may still have some control. You have stunted my growth in my studies and in my experiences, but you have not stopped me. Epilepsy, I will prevail you and I will succeed. I do not care if you slow my memory down or if I have to read that book three times, I will read it three times more to prove you wrong. I do not care if I have to make extra time to study or ask ridiculous questions – I will ask them proudly and show you I can still do this. My teachers may question my sanity, but in reality they are questioning you. “Will Epilepsy stop her?”

Epilepsy,  you do not own me. I will not let you control my life. I will admit that you have dictated three and a half years and it was not until I saw other patients with Epilepsy suffer the way that I did. They were scared, fearful – their parents were the same. You stopped me from performing, going for jobs, and properly performing tasks. You dictated my relationships, my self-worth, and future plans. You embarrassed me and made me lie. But no longer will you do so. No longer will I hide behind your name. Epilepsy you do not own me.

And for this delay, I will show you no mercy. I will exploit your name and tell everyone about your cruel ways. I will tell them how unforgiving you can be. But you know, you are not all that bad either. You have found me real friends and helped me chose a career path. You helped me find strength within myself. You taught me that asking for help does not make you weak, but makes you strong. You taught me how to be bold and brave and take each day as it comes. You taught me to never take life for granted and live in the moment. Epilepsy you do not own me, but you are part of me. Part of me that I cannot change – but a part of me that makes me who I am.

Thank you Epilepsy.


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